i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
