ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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