I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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