Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
