So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Don't make out with my wife yet
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
