dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i think i just lost a toe
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
