so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
