I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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