I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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