Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This house was built for laser tag.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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