Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
