Betty ford says i'm here all night
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
