jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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