Who wears a wallet chain?!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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