Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
