Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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