hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize