I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
