you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
last night I used snow as a chaser
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
