I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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