My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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