is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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