Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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