can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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