Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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