she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
