At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
