Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
