tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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