I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
