remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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