she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
