mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
