very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
