so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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