Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
