i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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