ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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