you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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