Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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