I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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