Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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