it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
