The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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