I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
