Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
