from now on my penis is your penis
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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