I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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