Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
