toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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