How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
