im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
