I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
