went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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