On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
