I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
