I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
