you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
