I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize