Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
