i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
