I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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